Dear Aphrodite

Column

By:

Posted: 3/22/07

I find myself staring in the mirror morning after morning saying, "Today is the day I will finally get a Brazilian wax!"

It never is the day. I always find something better to do, like vegging in front of the television or re-arranging my sock drawer. Fact of the matter is, I'm afraid of those wax wielding, hair-yanking cosmetologists getting too close to my womanly parts.

To get groomed, aside from a paper thong, I would have to get naked. Oil or talcum powder would be applied over the area that will be waxed. Hot wax will then be spread over my bikini area where it will be allowed to briefly harden before it is quickly pulled off, taking all that hair with it.

Simple-sounding yes, but utterly painful.

Why would I ever subject myself to this torture they call waxing? Well, because it's supposed to be sexy and society has clearly deemed an untamed mane undesirable.

Fear has kept me from realizing my full sex appeal. I have resorted to shaving in an attempt to capture that pristine hairless look without the pain. Razor burns have time and time again been a dead give away that I was indeed a poser.

But how am I expected to overcome the fear of having a stranger go places no stranger has ever gone before?

How will I overcome that humiliating first time experience of yelping in pain with tears blurring my eyes while the staff member handling my private parts secretly laughs at me because she's taking pleasure in my pain?

Sadly, I've been told too many times that a bald eagle is a must if I want to drive a man wild.

I have never let any fear stop me from taking a risk and trying something new. I am determined to let go of my inhibitions and go for it.

I will embrace my sexuality and become the hottest person I can possibly be. If a naked vagina is what it takes to achieve this than a naked vagina is what I'll get.

I will proudly march into a beauty parlor and demand that they wax it all off. I will show no fear. If I cry a little that won't be my fault. I will be among the few, the proud, the hairless.

Now, what do I do when it all grows back?

I've considered trying other substitutes but depilatories are too messy and disgusting for me to even deal with while laser hair removal is way too expensive for a poor college student like myself.

Tweezing my pubic area is too ridiculous to even consider. Aside from letting it grow out like a hermit's beard, I'm all out of luck.